Wiping the green away from my eyes

15 Jan

I don’t think I have a lot of vices beyond envy but that’s a big one. I’m not a virtuous woman despite what my name suggests, but it’s not like I commit 6.45 sins on a daily basis either. Like most people I indulge in various vices: I’m a compulsive liar, covet various things/people that belong to other people, though I haven’t killed anyone in quite a while. Envy is different though, notoriously one of the seven deadly sins, it’s an ugly ugly feeling especially when concerning a friend.

Being envious of others is an easy way to make yourself very unhappy. I always hurt the ones whom I love the most, and this is usually because I’m jealous of some accomplishment of theirs. I don’t know why. I should be proud of them, I should be happy for their success, instead of which I feel resentment.  It’s my hugest failing and the one thing I am truly ashamed of.

I don’t even know how to deal with it. I think I cope better when things are going alright in my life – when my self-esteem isn’t at a low point. Somehow someone else’s success to me, highlights my own failings (yes I know this isn’t rational). And then I feel bitter at myself for acting like such a child. Like I said, being envious is a very easy way to be unhappy.

God saw the danger in feeling thousands of years ago and banned it in his Tenth Commandment. So not only do I have to fret about envy’s effect in my daily life but it’s another thing to worry about when thinking about the state of my soul. Sigh.

Anyhow, I found this advice on dealing with envy on a website “Instead of viewing success as a limited resource being doled out capriciously or carried away by more successful predators, view it as an ever-expanding pie.” . I don’t know how well it works, but whatever helps right?

I can only hope to be as great as the people around me someday.

Goodnight, dear void.

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