Chickens are feathered Velociraptors

16 May

Dear Brethren, you probably believe that chickens are little more than what is found in your KFC bucket. You are mistaken. Gravely mistaken. It is out of my concern for your welfare that I will tell you why chickens are actually feathered Velociraptors with evil gleams in their eyes. I kid you not. By the end of my story, you will be on my side.

Once when I was a carefree and innocent little girl, I was attacked by an evil, yes an EVIL domestic chicken. I barely survived with my life.

What was I doing? Well, as little girls do, I was simply testing out my physical prowess by throwing small pebbles at passing objects. It is not my fault that white hens are a few sandwiches short of a picnic. The stupid feathered twit decided to stroll directly into my line of fire.

*whoooosh* *whoooosh*  THUNK

You know that solid second of stillness when you know something is going to happen to you. Yeah, that.

It whipped around and charged directly towards me, scaring the shit out of me. What the hell do you do, when there’s a psychotic bird moving in a straight line towards you at 100km/per hour? You run like fuck.

I did a 180 degree turn and scurried as fast as I could towards the kitchen door.  Halfway there, I looked over my shoulder, only to find that the chicken was CHASING ME. Like it knew what it was doing. Like it knew that I was responsible, and was hell bent on retracting vengeance. Ohmilord, if I’d had more to drink that day, I’m sure I would have wet my pants.

Somewhere in that small mind of mine, I haphazardly remembered that chickens, having eyes on opposite sides of their heads, can only focus one of them at a time. So what do I do? I flatten myself against a wall, heart racing, panicky breathing, hoping somehow that it won’t be able to see me, ‘Jaysus, please protect me from this evil’. I was small alrite, and apparently a few sandwiches short of a picnic as well.

The chicken kept still, and darted its head from side to side and then it caught sight of me. I shrieked my terrified little girl scream as it stalked purposefully towards me, probably having smelt the fear rolling towards me. And then, it stared at me directly in the eye giving me the most hateful, evil look.

I don’t remember how long we were engaged in a staring contest. It was probably ten seconds, but it felt like an hour. You know how people lose track of time when they’re about to be gored to death by a bird.

I honestly thought it was all over, that the crazy bundle of feathers in front of me was going to kill me (somehow). It was just helpless little me, and the bird. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I deserved my fate.

And then, the Lord decided to save me.  My neighbor (who incidentally owned the chicken) swooped in out of nowhere, picked up the chicken, and then laughed his ass off at my plight.  I didn’t care, I’d just been saved from death and an embarrassing epitaph.

So, you see. You only have to look into those dead eyes of a killer, to realize that chickens are capable of violence towards humans.  Consider yourselves warned my brethren, consider yourself warned.


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