Archive | June, 2012


17 Jun

I know that if everything ran smoothly, there wouldn’t be much of a story to tell. But that depends on what you want your story to be. In today’s world of sensationalism with Facebook updates of success and Twitter posts of self-promotion, both beckoning for approval and admiration, it’s hard to live a quiet life. Indeed, there’s something of a quiet nobility about trying to live drama-free and simple.

Tonight, I feel terrible.It’s an accumulation of many things. I’ve fought with The Boy for one thing. I know that it requires a great deal of patience to deal with my Taurean stubbornness, and bless him, he does a fantastic job with me. Today, I annoyed him by refusing to go with him to a pub that he wanted to go to, and where his friends were headed as well. The upshot of it was that while we were arguing, his friends got annoyed  with him for keeping them waiting, and that amplified the annoyance with me. I know it sounds silly – I should have just gone with him and his friends. But I didn’t want to. I’m in a city I can’t wait to get out of, and know that I’m leaving in a month – I just don’t want to have to socialize if I don’t want to. I prefer to be with my friends and The Boy. I’m done here. It sounds horrible, but that’s how I feel.  How does a couple manage to make their relationship last? Do they not fight at all? There’s so much unnecessary heartache. Everything was so much smoother when we were friends with benefits.

Second, jealousy is perhaps my biggest vice. Facebook does not help me to fight this, especially when all the updates and pictures you see are of someone else’s accomplishments and their ‘happy life’. Yes, I know. “Do not compare your behind-the-scenes  to a friend or acquaintances spotlight”. It’s difficult though – to not pummel your self-esteem to the ground and feel that whatever you’ve done is somehow ‘not enough’  – when everyone else seems to be doing so much more. I’m leaving a job and going back home, with no idea if my university plans are going to work, and what I’m going to do if they don’t. All I’ve done so far is had one small piece of commentary on a music gig published. Nothing else worthwhile mentioning.  So far as I can see, I don’t have any particular talent that’s going to help me do anything worthwhile as well.

It does not help that most of my friends have been for a long time now –  M.I.A. Sometimes, I feel that I put more effort into maintaining our relationship than they do.  If people want to be in your life, they will make an effort to be in your life, no? Maybe it’s time to stop holding on.

I’m a quiet crier. I usually spend a maximum of ten minutes in the loo and when I come out, no one has ever been able to tell that something was wrong. Tonight, both the bathrooms were occupied, which necessitated the upsetness-through-text outpour.

I think pathetic fallacy is at work today looking out at the now dark, rainy weather. I can’t see it easing up any time soon either.

they sing about love

10 Jun

they wait eagerly for meetings, fear parting,
and when they sing, they sing about love.

– Anna Akhmatova