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Pity-party

17 Jun

I know that if everything ran smoothly, there wouldn’t be much of a story to tell. But that depends on what you want your story to be. In today’s world of sensationalism with Facebook updates of success and Twitter posts of self-promotion, both beckoning for approval and admiration, it’s hard to live a quiet life. Indeed, there’s something of a quiet nobility about trying to live drama-free and simple.

Tonight, I feel terrible.It’s an accumulation of many things. I’ve fought with The Boy for one thing. I know that it requires a great deal of patience to deal with my Taurean stubbornness, and bless him, he does a fantastic job with me. Today, I annoyed him by refusing to go with him to a pub that he wanted to go to, and where his friends were headed as well. The upshot of it was that while we were arguing, his friends got annoyed  with him for keeping them waiting, and that amplified the annoyance with me. I know it sounds silly – I should have just gone with him and his friends. But I didn’t want to. I’m in a city I can’t wait to get out of, and know that I’m leaving in a month – I just don’t want to have to socialize if I don’t want to. I prefer to be with my friends and The Boy. I’m done here. It sounds horrible, but that’s how I feel.  How does a couple manage to make their relationship last? Do they not fight at all? There’s so much unnecessary heartache. Everything was so much smoother when we were friends with benefits.

Second, jealousy is perhaps my biggest vice. Facebook does not help me to fight this, especially when all the updates and pictures you see are of someone else’s accomplishments and their ‘happy life’. Yes, I know. “Do not compare your behind-the-scenes  to a friend or acquaintances spotlight”. It’s difficult though – to not pummel your self-esteem to the ground and feel that whatever you’ve done is somehow ‘not enough’  – when everyone else seems to be doing so much more. I’m leaving a job and going back home, with no idea if my university plans are going to work, and what I’m going to do if they don’t. All I’ve done so far is had one small piece of commentary on a music gig published. Nothing else worthwhile mentioning.  So far as I can see, I don’t have any particular talent that’s going to help me do anything worthwhile as well.

It does not help that most of my friends have been for a long time now –  M.I.A. Sometimes, I feel that I put more effort into maintaining our relationship than they do.  If people want to be in your life, they will make an effort to be in your life, no? Maybe it’s time to stop holding on.

I’m a quiet crier. I usually spend a maximum of ten minutes in the loo and when I come out, no one has ever been able to tell that something was wrong. Tonight, both the bathrooms were occupied, which necessitated the upsetness-through-text outpour.

I think pathetic fallacy is at work today looking out at the now dark, rainy weather. I can’t see it easing up any time soon either.

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Art Therapy

25 Jan

Hello everyone,

I know,  I know I was supposed to blog more often, but I’ve just been dealing with quite a lot of stuff (which I will be telling you about soon). So, today I channeled all that angst/confusion/worry into painting my cupboard. It is inspired by something I saw on Pinterest. I hope you like it. Will be back soon with stories.

 

 

It started with booze

3 Jan

How did I kick-of my New Year? At a party on a beach, with alcohol and a guy. How cliched right? Then again, my complexities are always simple in origin; preferences that are not difficult should not be made so. Also, I figured that if the Mayans were actually spot-on with their 2012 apocalyptic prediction (even though they failed to predict their own eradication), it would have been a pretty good way to go. I wore a black dress, danced in the drizzle, and had sex the morning after.

Why am I telling you this? I’ve been looking over my blog posts in 2011, and I’ve noticed that like the description above, most of the entries are entertaining and amusing, but very few reveal anything about what I was actually thinking or feeling at the time. Apparently, I’m as guarded in my writing as I am in real life. So, this year, I’m going to try to be painfully honest, undisguised as humor or wit. I think I’m already regretting this decision, heh.

So back to my New Year’s Eve. It was a decent party at a gorgeous beach house, the music was decent-ish and I spent a lot of time making out with this guy I’ve known for a while now in a FWB sorta way. I’ve always considered myself good at separating the physical from the emotional. Sex is sex. If that’s what you want, that’s all you should expect, right? Except when it’s not (I know, shocker right). Ive always followed Penny Lane’s (from Almost Famous) advice: “I always tell the girls, never take it seriously, if you never take it seriously, you never get hurt, you always have fun, and if you ever get lonely, just go to the record store and visit your friends. ”

The problem with this guy, is that he’s kinda a charming douchebag, and I’d already broken one of my cardinal rules by spooning with him. Talking is not the way to go people, it messes you up; he said I was “fucking talented” okay.  I knew I was getting attached, that there was no future in whatever we were doing, but I also knew that I would sleep with him again if we were in the same city. So I did, and then today, he updated his relationship status on FB to being in a relationship with someone else. He’s not going out with her, apparently, but just updated it to create drama. Which is being a dick. Apparently I’m only attracted to douchebags. So, even though I like the sex a lot, I just need to clear this unnecessary drama out of my year. As someone who just saw him cupping his junk a day ago, I would like to kick his nuts into his throat. Unfortunately I’ll have to settle for an angry rant about decency over the phone instead; let’s hope that he’s smart enough that my sarcasm doesn’t go over his head.

Moral of the story: Women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel love, so one of you will have to make up a fucking big lie to have it

OK Cathartic Diatribe over.

Things I Need

6 Oct

People to take care of me

More snail mail

A regular supply of food (that does not come out of a pack)

New music

Less ambiguity

Fireflies

A Polaroid camera

Help

To hug a dog

To feel more alive

sometimes

2 Oct

Sometimes I wish the phone would ring and it would be someone who really knows me calling at exactly the right time, to ask me “Is everything OK?”

And instead of lying and saying I’m fine, I could cry and admit the truth.

Someone put the evil-eye on me

1 May

I fell off my pink cloud with a thud.”- Elizabeth Taylor

And it hurted.

It has been the worst week I have had in Hyderabad; let me just say that even coffee failed to make me inappropriately excited. Yes, I know. Shocking. It is a miracle that I did not oblige the homicidal voices in my head.

I will not lie to you, brethren. I am convinced someone put an evil spell on me.

Look – the week started with me having a mild fever, which I wasn’t bothered about – I have this belief that if you just ignore the sickness, it’ll get bored that you aren’t paying it any attention and go away. But this fever acted like it was some sort of bacterial assassin for someone with a grudge against me. Not only did it summon a migraine, but it succeeded in confusing my hormonal cycle as well. I was feverish in a 36°C climate, with a migraine so terrible that I was actually unsure whether the drums I could hear were inside or outside of my head, and my poor hormones were so confused whether to be on PMS mode or not, that they decided to dilute my blood with oestrogen and progesterone so as not to be accused of a lack of effort.

At this point my brethren, you should be reading this post with a sympathetic heart, maybe ‘tching’ a   little and wishing that you had my address so that you could send me chocolate. Clearly I needed it, You would have noticed that I was not having the best week of my life. And then I went to the bathroom and dropped my phone somewhere in that space…

..and consequently it deathed off.  Godzilla II is the sad-ass type of phone, that if you drop it on the road by mistake and come back 5 minutes later to look for it, will still be there because no one is bothered enough to steal such a shit mobile. To be fair though, Godzilla II did allow me to make calls and receive them, which is all that you should expect from a phone really. And now I was cut off from the outside world. From everyone I would have normally called and forced to listen to my whining and bitching.

So I had no phone and no one to give me a hug when I demanded one. I was suffering with sickness, had a sudden onslaught of an almost quarter-life crisis and was hormonally crazy as a loon. There was no chocolate and to top things off, I had no new music.

All this misfortune had to be the work of someone who cast the evil eye on me. I narrowed down my list of suspects – it *must* have been that old lady who glared spitefully at me when I bought the last bun at the coffee place – see, seee, I *knew* that all that muttering under her breath wasn’t just senility.

If I was home, my aachi would wrap rock salt in newspaper, trace the outline of my body with it, make me pretend to spit thrice on it and then throw it into the fire. This was how we’d get rid of the evil eye when I was growing up. Now, eHow informs me that eating garlic is the way to go. Sounds reasonable enough. After I shrug off this hex, I’m going to black magic the shizz out of that old woman.

Wiping the green away from my eyes

15 Jan

I don’t think I have a lot of vices beyond envy but that’s a big one. I’m not a virtuous woman despite what my name suggests, but it’s not like I commit 6.45 sins on a daily basis either. Like most people I indulge in various vices: I’m a compulsive liar, covet various things/people that belong to other people, though I haven’t killed anyone in quite a while. Envy is different though, notoriously one of the seven deadly sins, it’s an ugly ugly feeling especially when concerning a friend.

Being envious of others is an easy way to make yourself very unhappy. I always hurt the ones whom I love the most, and this is usually because I’m jealous of some accomplishment of theirs. I don’t know why. I should be proud of them, I should be happy for their success, instead of which I feel resentment.  It’s my hugest failing and the one thing I am truly ashamed of.

I don’t even know how to deal with it. I think I cope better when things are going alright in my life – when my self-esteem isn’t at a low point. Somehow someone else’s success to me, highlights my own failings (yes I know this isn’t rational). And then I feel bitter at myself for acting like such a child. Like I said, being envious is a very easy way to be unhappy.

God saw the danger in feeling thousands of years ago and banned it in his Tenth Commandment. So not only do I have to fret about envy’s effect in my daily life but it’s another thing to worry about when thinking about the state of my soul. Sigh.

Anyhow, I found this advice on dealing with envy on a website “Instead of viewing success as a limited resource being doled out capriciously or carried away by more successful predators, view it as an ever-expanding pie.” . I don’t know how well it works, but whatever helps right?

I can only hope to be as great as the people around me someday.

Goodnight, dear void.