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What do you want, really?

10 Apr

If you knew me, if you really knew me, you’d know that I am more comfortable talking about sex than about love. Or that I am more comfortable saying I want the former than admitting I need the latter.  Right now, I have plenty of the former. And the latter? I could be quite wrong, but I don’t think I’m suffering from a lack of it.


It started with booze

3 Jan

How did I kick-of my New Year? At a party on a beach, with alcohol and a guy. How cliched right? Then again, my complexities are always simple in origin; preferences that are not difficult should not be made so. Also, I figured that if the Mayans were actually spot-on with their 2012 apocalyptic prediction (even though they failed to predict their own eradication), it would have been a pretty good way to go. I wore a black dress, danced in the drizzle, and had sex the morning after.

Why am I telling you this? I’ve been looking over my blog posts in 2011, and I’ve noticed that like the description above, most of the entries are entertaining and amusing, but very few reveal anything about what I was actually thinking or feeling at the time. Apparently, I’m as guarded in my writing as I am in real life. So, this year, I’m going to try to be painfully honest, undisguised as humor or wit. I think I’m already regretting this decision, heh.

So back to my New Year’s Eve. It was a decent party at a gorgeous beach house, the music was decent-ish and I spent a lot of time making out with this guy I’ve known for a while now in a FWB sorta way. I’ve always considered myself good at separating the physical from the emotional. Sex is sex. If that’s what you want, that’s all you should expect, right? Except when it’s not (I know, shocker right). Ive always followed Penny Lane’s (from Almost Famous) advice: “I always tell the girls, never take it seriously, if you never take it seriously, you never get hurt, you always have fun, and if you ever get lonely, just go to the record store and visit your friends. ”

The problem with this guy, is that he’s kinda a charming douchebag, and I’d already broken one of my cardinal rules by spooning with him. Talking is not the way to go people, it messes you up; he said I was “fucking talented” okay.  I knew I was getting attached, that there was no future in whatever we were doing, but I also knew that I would sleep with him again if we were in the same city. So I did, and then today, he updated his relationship status on FB to being in a relationship with someone else. He’s not going out with her, apparently, but just updated it to create drama. Which is being a dick. Apparently I’m only attracted to douchebags. So, even though I like the sex a lot, I just need to clear this unnecessary drama out of my year. As someone who just saw him cupping his junk a day ago, I would like to kick his nuts into his throat. Unfortunately I’ll have to settle for an angry rant about decency over the phone instead; let’s hope that he’s smart enough that my sarcasm doesn’t go over his head.

Moral of the story: Women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel love, so one of you will have to make up a fucking big lie to have it

OK Cathartic Diatribe over.

Things I Will Do In 2011 List

9 Jan

I love writing lists. There is this sense of accomplishment that comes with writing down a list of things to do and then checking them off as each item is completed. Umberto Eco agrees with me. Eco says that “the list has an irresistible magic”. For instance, “ There is an allure to enumerating how many women Don Giovanni slept with: It was 2,063, at least according to Mozart’s librettist, Lorenzo da Ponte. We also have completely practical lists — the shopping list, the will, the menu — that are also cultural achievements in their own right.

So this year I want to:

1)      Have sex in the ocean (I already foresee that ending badly)

2)      Buy myself 50 of those red heart balloons at a go

3)      Fall in love for the first time  (hopefully)

4)      Get something published online/sell a print on Deviantart

5)      Make a trip to Bombay

6)     Do acid

7)      Learn to cook SOMETHING (even maggi would do)

8)      Be a social work volunteer – it has been way too long

9)      Learn how to tango

10)   Watch porn with a guy and critique it along the way

11)   Compose a song with Resham

12)   Sing in a choir/acapella group

13)   Start playing a competitive physically exhausting sport again – chee, I meant like basketball, get your mind out of the gutter

14)   Road/bike trip

15)    Go for a concert by an international artist – it has been way waay too long  (sends silent prayer up to God *please PLEASE let  Muse decide to make an India trip*)

16)   Have someone to kiss on New Year’s Eve 2011 12:00 A.M

No. 16 sounds totally random and greedy. Another 355 days to prepare for it. No. 3 sounds like the most formidable. But the rest sounds achievable. Good.

Goodnight, dear void.